Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the
news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . ... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE. ANOTHER SEVERELY INJURED
A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
Believe it or not,
These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bath room, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart !
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball.' Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside..'
Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?' Boy: '$750' Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, theDad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: ' $1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that sh!t again; you're in my closet now.'
Subject: 1st Graders
1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders... Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
Me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax..
14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution..
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box
24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
Pregnant
And Then The Fight Started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
************* *****************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started....
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please...."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started....
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almostunheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
Micheal and Elvis still Live in Hillbilly Country
An 90-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, 'Chuck, everything looks great! How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Chuck replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off.'
WOW, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife.
'Ethel,' he says, 'Chuck is doing fine! But, I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?'
'Oh, no!' Ethel exclaims, 'He's peeing in the refrigerator again
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of around in! his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset ! the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Boy says "It's a pussy willow. Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed s! ingle. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
s elections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
SOMEONE IS DAMN-SURE GONNA DIE!
When I get out!
No sir officer, we've just been fishing...
2,000 HP Outboard Inflatable...
Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe...
This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft, they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it. Drugs were found on board. Of course, you'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this rig.
The Three Stages Of A Man's Life
SINGLE
MARRIED
DIVORCED
ANY QUESTIONS?
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said'. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?' This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ' The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN
THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH
& HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY
GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE
IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND,
CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!
DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?
HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
ARE YOU WEARING THAT?
WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!
WOW! LOOK AT YOU!
HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?
COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?
HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.
HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.
CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?
HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE WINE.
12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR: 1. PASS MY SHOTGUN 2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING 3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE 4. PUFFY MID-SECTION 5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK 6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS 7. PARDON MY SOBBING 8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE 9. PASS MY SWEATS 10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME 11. PACK MY STUFF & MY FAVORITE ONE 12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR HORMONAL FRIENDS & THOSE WHO MIGHT NEED A GOOD LAUGH!! ...OR MEN WHO MAY NEED WARNING!!
& REMEMBER: MONEY TALKS..... BUT CHOCOLATE ROCKS!!
VINTON, La. -- Police were surprized when a driver wearing only a towel got out of a car, then got back in and sped off. They were stunned when the car hit a tree and disgorged 20 naked people.
"The Lord told them to get rid of their belongings and go to Louisiana. So they did, plus the license plate off their car adn came to our gorgeous state," Vinto Police Chief Dennis Drouillard said.
All 20 were from Floydada, Texas, about 550 miles from the southwest Louisiana town of Vinton.
Driver Sammy Rodriguez and his brother, Danny, both said they were Pentecostal preachers, Drouillard said.
Floydada Police Chief James Hale said he had been looking for the Rodriguez family since Tuesday night, when relatives reported them missing.
The family left six cars, abandoning one in Lubbock and a second in San Angelo and a third in Galveston, along with clothes, pocketbooks, wallets and other belongings.
The chase in Vinton began after a campground owner called police. A Calcasieu Parish deputy stopped their car, and a man wearing only a towel got out.
"When the officer went to ask what was going on, he jumped back in and took off," Drouillard said.
They sped down Vinton's main street until the car hit a tree. Fifteen adults, as old as age 63, piled out of the 1990 Pontiac. Five children, as young as 1 year old, were in the trunk.
The car was totaled, but the injuries all were minor, Drouillard said. "I guess when you're packed in that tight, there's not much room to move around."
Rodriguez was booked with reckless driving, flight from an officer, property damage adn several minor traffic violations, he said. He was kep in custody.
Authorities said the entire group was released into the custody of a Baptist church nearby, where they awaited relatives.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon.'
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me take you to lunch so I can tell you about
my weekend!'
Not All Seniors Are Senile!!!
Official Democrat Party campaign car designed exactly the way Obama lays out his message
'A NEW DIRECTION'
You figure it out. I have a headache
Hillbilly Jokes June
Click below to check out all our videos for free at
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote...
Hillbilly Jokes March
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks
down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother
Superior, 'I
thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play
golf with
my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can.You know
I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior
agreed. 'So I
take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I
even took
the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior,
astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole
is a
monster, 520 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden
green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.The
sweetest
swing I ever made.And it's flying straight and true, right
along
the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100
yards
off the tee!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.'How
unfortunate!But
surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I
was still
trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of
the
woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!'
sympathized the
Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.'And I
was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether
this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and
grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched
in his
paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with
a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister,
anguished,
'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel
started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on
the
green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about
18
inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her
arms
across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and
said...
'You missed the f@cking putt, didn't you?'
A
wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in
Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell, Killer , along for the company.
One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering
about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the intention of having lunch.
The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo
now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back
to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was
close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So,
off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after
the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?",
but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to
his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just
when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell
says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard !
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always
overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come
with age and experience.
Hillbilly Jokes November
argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. -Anonymous
WHEN IT IS OKAY TO SAY A BAD WORD
Hillbilly Update
You Might be a Hillbilly if...
A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing
You need fashion tips from your husband...
You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture
Your wedding picture looked like this...
And your wedding cake looked like this...
Yo ur mailbox looks like this...
Your doghouse looks like this...
Your pickup looks like this...
You have a deer's butt for a door bell...
You don't need a lake to do a little skiing...
Or if your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...
THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!
This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures.
The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and2X4's are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains - are you ready for this? - 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.
And these people VOTE!!! (This explains a lot about the state of the country...............)
We're off to see the Wizard!
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City...
...and went to find the Great Wizard
"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:
"I've come for some courage."
" No Problem!said the Wizard. Who's next?"
Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:
"Well, I think I need a heart"
"Done! says the Wizard."
"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Bush and said,
"The American people say that I need a brain."
"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do youwant?"
"IS DOROTHY HERE?"
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell
her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought
she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why
she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps
to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be
a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had
worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the
Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down
the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and
sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1.If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them...
Daily Thought:SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Old Lady
This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in human kindness.
The letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Faculty and Students,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said f@ck you.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
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